Wednesday, May 7, 2008

What I Am Feeling Now

Disappointment - I think any parent would feel disappointment. We spent months talking about the baby, planning for the baby, and dreaming of what the baby would be like only to be left with nothing. My son Sean was disappointed too. I spent many nights talking with Sean about how I was going to need his help when the baby got here and what his job was going to be as a big brother. He was excited, as we were, and now there wasn’t much to be excited about. I feel responsible for the disappointment – it was my job to bring that baby into this world and for some reason I just couldn’t seem to do it. This leads me to my next feeling – failure.

Failure - Having a child is such a miracle. Being pregnant with a child is such a blessing. Some people will never know or feel the significance of bearing a child – they may never have a child. There are some who do have children and never appreciate them. It seems so simple – get pregnant, carry your baby, give birth and raise that child. If I have learned anything from being a mother it is that nothing is simple. Every action you take or don’t take can effect how that child turns out. It is a huge responsibility to ensure the safety and health of a child - as parents we take on that role and make it our life. I know that there is nothing that I did to cause Daniel’s death. Nothing I have read leads me to believe that and nothing I have done would make me feel that way. It happens – it happens more often than we even know. I can’t help feeling inside, however, that I am a failure. I failed to bring this baby into my family’s life and I failed to bring the happiness and joy that comes along with a new baby. Rationally I know this is not right, but its how I feel.

Emptiness - I just can’t explain how empty a person’s life is once they lose a child. I never understood it. I am like that with everything – I have a hard time truly feeling pain for someone unless I have experienced it myself. I know now. I was so ignorant to all of this. I saw a section about stillbirth in my books but only glimpsed through it. Never really reading about it or trying to understand it. As far as I was concerned it didn’t apply to me. Now I know and I can feel the emptiness inside that it causes not only me but all the mother’s that have experienced a loss. I have a huge hole in my heart and I want to fill it so badly but there is nothing that can replace my son. I suppose this is why so many couples get pregnant again so quickly because they are trying to fill that hole. I know that I will never be able to fill the hole in my heart – maybe make that empty feeling less empty but it will always be there – for all of us.

Weakness – “You are so strong”. I used to take pride in that, but being strong – at least the way I used to handle it – was really being weak. Shoving feelings in closets, under beds and in the back of cabinets is not strength - its weakness. Conversely, when you allow yourself to be weak, vulnerable, to cry in front of and with others – only then are you strong. How can the same word mean two very different things? I think weakness is a trait to be admired. It means compassion, love, understanding, and feeling. I don’t understand it but I don’t understand a lot of things. I just know for the first time in my life I have felt this weakness – the kind that represents strength – and as much as it hurts – as much as I wince from the stabbing pain in my heart – I know that it is right.

Helpless – So many times through out all of this I have felt helpless. When I couldn’t feel my baby move – I felt helpless. When they said my baby was dead I felt helpless. When I was told I had to deliver him I felt helpless. When I held him in my arms – lifeless – I felt helpless. When we buried Daniel I felt so helpless. My husband and I aren’t helpless people – we have always been able to manage on our own in our lives apart and together. Sometimes no matter how hard you try there will be a point where you will be helpless – completely and utterly helpless – and you will have to just give in because there is nothing you can do to change things.

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