Friday, July 24, 2009

Still Here.......

I have been meaning to write - the lack of input here is certainly not related to lack of need or desire - I guess I've been so busy with life I just haven't been able to make it back here. I notice though, when I'm feeling really down, I have this need to revisit this place. I think about him all the time - I guess it never really goes away no matter what life gives you later on.

I don't want to be ungrateful.... I have a beautiful little girl who I am so thankful for..... but I still feel like I'm missing someone. I still feel cheated. I'm not sure if some where in the back of my mind I thought may be having another baby would fix things but I know now it doesn't. When I see brothers - two little boys - it makes me sad. When I see the obvious gap between my kids it reminds me of what we lost. When people say "now you have one of each" I smile but inside it turns my stomach.

It doesn't get better - it just is - I've accepted it but it still makes me so sad sometimes. I look out my son's window at the tree we planted for Daniel and its getting so big.... just makes me wonder what he would look like right now, what he would be doing, or how our lives would be - at the very least I know we wouldn't have that tree.

I guess today is just a bad day and I will get through it, but for those who are wondering... I'm still here and I still miss my little boy very much.