Saturday, February 14, 2009

Learning Love

Some people may wonder how a person can grieve so deeply for someone who existed for only a short time. Its not about time spent - its about time anticipated. We love our children from the moment we become aware of their existance and it multiples each day. There was a very good article in Newsweek regarding stillbirth that I would encourage you to read - it may help you understand.

The end of Daniel's life was the start of a very different life for me. I learned so much more about love this past year than I gathered through out my entire life. My greatest teacher was my husband. He has such a sincere heart and everything that he has done for me and our children has helped me to better understand what love really is. If you put your heart first then everything else falls into place. It may not be instantly apparent but later on it all makes sense. John held Daniel for as long as he could because his heart told him too - I didn't only because I didn't want to let my heart feel - something I regret. I remember the day we buried Daniel - John insisted on carrying the tiny box to the funeral car. At the time I wasn't so sure about it, but I look back and I am just so proud of him for his insistance. He visit's Daniel frequently and finds comfort during that time spent with him - I still have a hard time going to the cemetary.

John's devotion is a good lesson in love. Sometimes you have to do what your heart tells you because in the end your heart will be better off. I am learning to follow my heart, but a life filled with repressed feelings makes for a hard habit to break. On this day I just want to thank John and my two boys for teaching me about love. I think I get it now. Love you guys so much!

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

To Write Their Names in the Sand........

I just wanted to post this picture and thank the people who barely know us yet took time out of their lives to write Daniel's name in the sand.

Someone once told me "No one will ever understand what you have been through unless they themselves have lost a baby". I see that now. Only those who have had to endure such heartbreak can truly understand how heavy this weight is that I have to carry.

Acknowledgement and remembrance are the only things that help. I have a folder of pictures for Daniel and most are pictures of things - stones, benches, bricks, trees - all inanimate objects that I use to remember him. Seeing his name in the sand makes me feel like there is someone out there who cares - he has made his mark in this world - he will be remembered. I'll try my best to keep doing that for him because its the only way I can be his mommy.

To Write Their Names in the Sand