Wednesday, January 7, 2009

For those who are still following.......

The picture in my previous post was done by an artist Katie Berggren. I started to look through her other work and found a picture that I liked and wanted to include in this photo collage of Daniel that I am trying to do for my bedroom. I wanted to do something but not anything over the top - something with a mix of obvious (his footprints) and not so obvious (artwork) that will remind me of him. So I found this picture and, for me, it sort of symbolized how Daniel will always be that baby in my belly but not in my belly. The woman reminds me of me - not then but maybe now. Here is the author's description of the picture "Like Water" "When I envision being like water, I visualize complete flexibility, flowing with what the day brings, going with the moment, not getting caught up, yet staying alert and aware."

I ordered an 8x10 of the photo and felt compelled to include in my message to her why I was ordering her art. She sent me my order with a little note about how sorry she was and an extra gift - another picture. She doesn't have much of a description for it - and the beauty of art is its interpretation is all up to the person viewing it. The picture is entitle "Little Secret"

I just feel like I have been bombarded with things that have had a purpose lately - or may be now I am just able to find a purpose in things - where as before I was just too caught up in myself to notice. I still don't have the reason or purpose for losing Daniel. The only thing that I can even fathom is that here I am now - at almost the exact same point in my life as last year and I feel like I am reliving it, but only as a different person. Older by a year and much wiser by a million years. It's a very strange feeling but one that makes you tip toe through life instead of dashing to the end of each day.

So here is my "little secret" ........

Thursday, January 1, 2009


I happened to be home the other day and caught a segment of Oprah. Her show was about people who have displayed resilience during difficult times in their lives that allow them to continue to live each day. Here is the segment I caught. I believe that there is a very valuable lesson to be taken from it.

This woman and her husband had taken years to conceive their son. On his 2nd birthday they asked a friend to fly them to Indiana (I think) to celebrate with family. During the flight the pilot made an error which caused them to crash. The woman received burns on her body and was able to get out. The husband had repeatedly tried to save his son but could not. He had burns on 75% of his body, 2 broken arms, and massive head injuries. He told his wife he was sorry and they both watched the plane burn with their son inside. The husband went off to try to flag down help that the pilot had left to find. When help finally arrived the helicopter saw the husband standing and waving his broken arms. They picked him up and then his wife. When the woman got in the plan she saw a man who was her husband that she did not recognize because his head was so swollen. He later died.

Now this woman was left with no husband or son. She grieved certainly, but one day realized that rather than focusing on what God had taken away or trying to figure out why God would let this happen to her she decided that she was given a wonderful gift for some time and that she was so lucky to have had it. She was able to spend 10years with her wonderful husband and two years with her son as a family.

I guess the point is that we are sad during difficult times because we often focus on the fact that we no longer have the gifts that we were given. If we can find the courage to be grateful for what we did have and what we can have one day then that makes living so much easier. So I ask myself "What were the gifts that God gave us - even for just a short time - that we should be grateful for?"

- Daniel, obviously was a gift in himself. For the 8 months that we had him with us we found joy in knowing we would have another child so we spent much of that time happy and excited - eagerly waiting for him to arrive.

- Sean was given the title of big brother. If you ask him today he will tell you he is a big brother to Daniel. I often teeter on whether or not that is a good thing or weird but if he can find the positive in this who am I to take that away. He is a big brother and Daniel will always be his little brother. Sean is the epitome of resilience and I have learned so much from him.

- Although lossing Daniel was extremely hard we received gifts as a result of it. We were reminded of how much we loved each other. I learned how much I needed my husband and how strong he really was. I think we both learned how lucky we were to have Sean in our lives and how wonderful he is - not just because he is our son.

- I also learned that John has been through many emotionally difficult times and he has some how managed to deal with them in a very healthy way. I look back and realize that many of the little things I did during this horrible time were pretty cowardly. I think I deal with things via avoidance while John grabs a hold of the moment and takes it for what it is. In the end I think I was given the ability to listen to my husband (most times) because he does know a few things - I guess ")

- Lastly I think I was given the ability to look at people differently. To not just see them for what they appear to be but to try to look deeper.

We all have problems. Each one of us has been through some crappy stuff - no one is more worse off than another. Its how we choose to look at it and what we choose to do with it that makes the difference. So for this year I am choosing (at least for today) to thank God for the gifts I have been given and find the new gifts I received as a result of losing my little boy.