Friday, August 29, 2008

Someday by Allison Mcghee

I was in the children's section at the bookstore and came across a book that caught my eye "Someday" by Allison Mcghee. It is really a beautiful book, but for a parent who has lost their child it is just so very sad. Of course, I started to cry right away because it just reminded me of the fact that Daniel will never grow-up, he'll never be able to enjoy all the triumphs of life that make us who we are and he'll never grow old. He'll always be my baby and my little angel. Here is a quote from the book that is on the inside cover.

A mother's love leads to a mother's dream — every mother's dream — for her child to live life to its fullest.

I wish some people could understand that my dreams for Daniel have been crushed along with my heart.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Open Door

Big step today. I opened the door to Daniel's room and opened the window to let some fresh air in. The door has been closed since April 22, 2008 - the day we found out Daniel died. We went into the unfinished room on several occasions for several different reasons but never have we been able to leave the door open. I just opened it today and I am okay with it being open - hopefully John is too.


Unless you have been in my shoes you will never understand what its like to lose a child - to have a baby that you will never hear cry. Just because I can walk around with my head held high - smile, laugh, and joke around doesn't mean that I don't hurt or continue to hurt each day. It does get better - it really does, but it is ALWAYS there. My heart is broken and even if I went on to have 100 more babies I will always feel the emptiness inside that comes along with losing Daniel.

There is nothing in the world to compare it to. I have lost close family members and seen tragic things but there is nothing that ripes my heart out like this. When I hear his name - spoken in passing and in regards to someone else - my heart breaks. You might think that I am better. It may seem that way because that is how you think it should work - be sad and then get better. No it doesn't work that way. It changes you from the inside out. It makes you question yourself, your actions, and life. "It" is horrible. I wish it never happened - to anyone.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Love Hurts

To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive-- to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and thus an intensity of consciousness that before we did not know was possible.
Rollo May

The minute you find out you have a baby growing inside of you - love happens. The love a parent has for their child is unyielding and relentless. I have lost people in my life but to lose my little love bug, Daniel, has been far from easy. It truly feels like a broken heart that never heals.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Is the baby going to come down now?

Out of the blue this morning Sean popped up over the edge of the couch and said to me - "Is the baby going to come down now?" I asked him what he meant by that and he said "Is our baby going to come down from the sky?" I had to tell him no - that baby will never come back because once babies go to heaven they stay there forever. He was disappointed but in a way similar to how a child reacts when they can't have a toy - not so much a tantrum just a sort of whine "oh I wanted the baby to come back down". Obviously he still doesn't understand the magnitude of death, but he understands the loss and the emptiness that we are all feeling.

Later on in the store we saw a set of twins in a double stroller (seems like we were surrounded by babies all day). Sean looked over at them and smiled - he said "Awww those are babies just like our baby". I said "Yes, Daniel will always be our baby". I just feel so sad that Sean couldn't get to experience what it is truly like to be a big brother. I laugh sometimes because I know if Daniel was here Sean would be pitching a storm around the house because that would mean less "Sean" time with mommy and daddy. Also, a lot of things that we have done or plan to do this summer would never have happened if we hadn't lost Daniel.

It is so hard to find the positive in all this. The only thing I can be thankful of is my son and the fact that I can actually take the time I have with him now and enjoy it - instead of running around trying to learn to care for two small children often on my own. Sean is still a baby - there is so much he is learning to do and I have to thank Daniel for giving me the chance to appreciate it because once its gone its gone.

I wish Sean didn't have to feel the disappointment though. I also wish his grieving process wasn't so dragged out. The book said this is how it would be - each time children reach a milestone and their thought process becomes more complex they will ask questions. Sean talks about Daniel all the time. I hope one day he will understand and he will be okay with it.