Sunday, November 21, 2010

Baby Showers

Uuugh - part of me loves them - in fact I used to really love them. They just aren't the same anymore. I went to a baby shower today - it was the first since Daniel died 2 1/2 years ago and of course it was for a little baby boy. Everything was lovely - little clothes lines of new baby boy clothes, lots of food and plenty of gifts. I caught myself a few times deep in thought and very sad almost on the verge of tears looking at the sweet little sleepers and onesies. I just don't think it will ever be the same for me - not now.

The parting gifts for all the guests were beautiful glass ball ornaments with swirls of different shades of blue throughout. I immediately thought of Daniel. I think I'll write his name on the ornament and hang it on our tree this year. I think its sort of funny that it was so hard to be there and he was resting so heavy on my heart for that time and in the end its as if he had a gift waiting for me to remember him. Like I said - everything is different no matter how hard I try to be the same.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Grief Revisited

I'm not sure why things have been so particularly hard for me lately. It feels as if I've stepped back two years - back to the early months after losing Daniel. I find myself crying more frequently, searching the Internet to look for direction and thinking of ways I can turn his loss into something positive. It could be the holidays or possibly the change in season - whatever it is I just have been so down and revisiting many of the feelings I was paralyzed by after losing Daniel.

I'm not who I used to be - in some ways good and in many ways bad. I don't know how to fix myself. I wish I could control my feelings - I'm so angry and my perception of things at times are distorted. When I take a moment to really digest my feelings I think that is when I realize that I still haven't dealt very well with my little boy's death. I still carry a lot of guilt - not just the guilt of not saving him or the guilt of all the things that I "think" I might have done to cause his loss, but the guilt of not loving and honoring him the way I should have for the short time we had him.

I was so damn disconnected from my feelings. I feel much anger because I was never taught how to express my emotions openly. It was only after everything was said and done - after Daniel was buried in his tiny grave that I was able to think about what I wished I had done BUT I couldn't get him back again to do it the right way. I wish someone would have told me and if they did - I tend to be pig-headed - I wish I had listened.

Only a few months after losing Daniel, a young teacher at Sean's school lost her son due to stillbirth. I had the opportunity to talk to her prior to her giving birth and provide what ever guidance I could at the time. I told her everything I had felt during my period of loss and what I had done or wished I had done. As much as she may have felt this was helpful for her - it was some what therapeutic for me. I didn't want someone else to have to carry the same regrets I was carrying. This helped me so much at the time - possibly more than it may have helped her.

I wish I had had someone to talk to immediately following the news of Daniel's death - someone that could understand what I was going through and provide me with guidance. This came later on but too late for me to change any of the things I had already made permanent. I wish I had looked at his little hands and toes, I wish I had held him longer and told him how much I loved him, I wish I had taken more pictures - of him and of us holding him, I wish I had purchased a nice outfit for him to buried in and I wish I had made his funeral open to everyone - he deserved that much.

I could say I wish I could go back in time and change what I did, but I don't want to go back. At times it feels like I'm still there - 2 1/2 years later. I fully comprehend our human inability to go back and change what happens in the past but I still dwell on it. I need to remind myself that we still do, however, have the ability to change the future and I think I need to focus on that more. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but then again I don't think I knew where I was headed the last time - April 23, 2008 - grief picked me up like a huge tidal wave and slammed me down upon its shore.