Experiences of Grief

It's amazing how something such as the loss of a child can open up your eyes to so much else in the world; make you so sensitive to other people's tragedies - vulnerable in everyday life. As time goes on, the feelings that both my husband and I are dealing with aren't so much about the loss - the disbelief, shock, sobbing, crying or denial; the feelings we have to deal with now center around us - ourselves and each other.

What people may not realize is that it can get harder to cope later on once the initial shock and physical symptoms of grief subside. All the pain of the loss gets internalized and manifests itself into other feelings that can somehow be misconstrued, misdirected, and misinterpreted by others. It is so important that those who are grieving step outside themselves and take a good look at their behavior each day and try to understand why.

I have a handout entitled "Experiences of Grief" which has helped me to understand why I am the way I am right now. There are over 20 different "experiences" that you will encounter while grieving and I am listing some of the ones we are dealing with right now.

• Guilt - I mentioned this previously. People in general feel guilt - some more so than others. I think this is weighing on me heavily because it was my body that carried this baby and it was my body that failed this baby. I know I did nothing intentional to hurt Daniel so I have to try to let that go and learn from the experience - not dwell on it.
• Anger - I have a certain degree of anger towards people who fail to acknowledge my son. I know that it is so difficult to deal with loss - especially that of a baby - but I have this tremendous desire to have people talk about him - to say his name, call him my son, and remember him - even though they never got to meet him. Some people just don't understand that the minute you find out you are pregnant and have a baby inside of you - that baby is your family, your hopes and dreams, your future so when that baby dies it is a loss for everyone. Sean, John, and I went to a Compassionate Friends meeting and as we were leaving and saying our goodbyes a woman said "Goodbye Daniel". At first I thought it was strange or that she had confused Sean with being Daniel - but then I realized she was acknowledging my son and his presence in our lives. I will never forget that.
• Lowered Self-Esteem - yep, I'm in the dumps right now. Its funny how when you have a baby to care for and an extra 20 lbs on you it isn't that noticeable. Making it through 8 months of pregnancy (35 lbs gained) and having nothing to show for it leaves a woman alone to look in the mirror and cringe. Aside from the physical aspects of self-esteem, I find that grief causes you to constantly put down what you have done, focus on the negative,and displace anything positive in life. You are constantly plagued with this "I can't do anything right" mentality.
• Preoccupation - even as I right this now. It is so difficult to concentrate and be productive or focus on work when you are dealing with grief. Productivity is at a low and it makes it hard to accomplish anything - thus further adding to the low self-esteem mentioned up above.
• Frustration - I am sad because my patience is short and I still have a stubborn, independent, know-it-all 3 year old to deal with. I used to be very creative in my approach with him - race to see who can get dressed first, talk to him so that he gets distracted and forgets what he was whining about - but now I just don't have the energy to do this and it hurts me that I can't be a better mom right now. I can go on and on about frustration - Lowe's (don't ever get windows replaced through their service), traffic, gas, etc.
• Envy - It is so hard to see mommy's with new baby boys. I am envious - not angry or resentful - I just wish I had my son. I am also envy mothers who have not had to deal with stillbirth which ties into lowered self-esteem. I see these mothers and say - why couldn't that be me? what's wrong with me?
• Loneliness - People seem to just leave you alone when a baby dies. More so though, I think loneliness may be in reference to feeling alone in your experience. There is a strange comfort in knowing someone else who has experienced a similar loss. They understand the pain, the trials and tribulations, and the heartache. Fortunately, there aren't many people who have experienced this kind of loss, but for those who have I am sorry and I understand.
• Pride - this is a big one for us. We dealt with this in the very beginning when we were showered with sympathy and I think to some degree we are both dealing with this now - we just don't know it. "For many of us we are too proud to ask for or accept help. When asked how we are feeling - we say "fine" where as in reality we are falling apart inside. We are apt to think "I can do it by myself" not realizing how unprepared we are for the death of a loved one. Sharing such deep grief does help us to cope and understand. The verb "be proud" means to hold one's self high, to turn one's head. Bereaved so often do this to overcompensate for how really low they feel. We are stubborn about letting anyone know how we feel. This makes it difficult for others to give us the help we so desperately need."

These are just some of the experiences of grief. There are others that are more hopeful and some that are more related to the newness of the loss, but these are the experiences for the moment - for the now. A good qoute - "Grief is like a raw open, deep wound. With great care it eventually will heal, but there will always be a scar. Life will never be the same. You never get over the loss, but you will get better in time.... It is important what you do with the time." Right now our wound is all red and swollen - sort of like when you don't take care of a cut and it gets infected. It is in the process of healing but still needs some attention.