Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Bad Things Happen to Good People (Repost)

This was out on BBC - it was found by another mother of an angel through another blog. I liked it and I am reposting it here so may be we can look at things from a different perspective.......

Immediately after my son died I found myself thinking that I must have done something to deserve this. That I must have deserved punishment and I was being punished for something. I ran through all the different reasons in my own head of why I might be chosen to be punished and tortured like this.And then at some point it came to me.I wasn’t being punished.How could being the mother of such a beautiful tiny child be considered a punishment? And as I look around me (figuratively speaking) I see so many other women, good women, compassionate women, loving women, going through the same torture. It can’t possibly be a punishment for wrongdoing. And I have come to believe that we were chosen, to be the mothers of these babies that were not destined to live on this earth with us, because we are strong. We are loving. And we will love these little lost children for the rest of our lives, and honour them in every way we can.So yes, we were chosen. But not because we were bad people.Rather, because we are good people.Because we have it in us to honour these little people in the best way.It takes an incredible woman to lose their child, and still love and honour them every single day.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Six By One

1 How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?

I would say that I was definitely less fearful or may be I should say more ignorant. I don't think people understand how often babies die, what a struggle it is for parents to try to overcome the pain and the heartbreak, or even fathom the tremendous amount of fear that comes along with a subsequent pregnancy. Giving birth should be a happy time but for parents who have lost a baby it becomes a fearful time - one filled with anxiety, doubt, and tears.

2 Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life?

I'm not sure what this question is really asking, but I would say yes. Daniel is in our thoughts every day. We love him and miss him so much.

3 Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.

I think when I first found out Daniel died I went into defense mode and instinctively tried to protect my heart. The nurse that was with me said something that made me realize that I had to succumb to what God had handed to me and let my heart be broken. She said "No matter what you can never forget this baby". I wouldn't necessarily call this nurturing or support, but it allowed me to let myself be weak.

4 Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.

I guess nothing would be that something. So many people did nothing or said nothing and that lack of acknowledgement of the loss of my child made me realize that no one will ever fully understand how we feel - only people who have lost their own child.

5 What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?

Think into the future. We spent a lot of time just living in the present dealing with the grief and the emptiness of not having Daniel. Once we started to plan ahead and talk about the future I think it gave us hope and that helped us to feel like life does go on and that life will have so much more for us.

6 How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?

I can't speak for John, but I think I realized how much I love my husband and how much I need him. He is my everything and I don't think I realized that before all this happened. With that realization, I think I became a much more understanding and appreciative partner. I try to remind myself to not sweat the small stuff and just be grateful that I have him in my life.

Monday, July 14, 2008

I Wish......

I haven't written in quite some time. Believe me its not because I am feeling better. Ever since the 4th of July things have been very hard. I tried to go through some of Sean's old clothes and sort them out. They were all going to be for Daniel. No sense holding on to all that stuff when another little boy could use it. As the clothes got smaller it got harder and harder to give things up. This may have been what triggered the sadness I have been feeling lately. I took Sean to see the fireworks and I found myself surrounded by pregnant women and new babies - happy complete families. There I was feeling very incomplete and very empty. I am not sure why or how long this sad time will last but it feels like I'm starting all over again. I think I've tried about everything to "feel better" but there is nothing that makes this any more bearable. I know I have to be patient and gentle with myself but I much rather climb a mountain and reach the top than travel along the rolling hills of grief with no end in sight.

I just want to close my eyes and make a wish that things would get better. Oh - if wishes came true - I'd make a zillion of them!

I wish......
I would stopped being so scared of losing people in my life
I could be happier for people who are pregnant or who have had babies - I can't help but feel cheated.
I could hold Daniel one more time
I didn't set Sean up for disappointment
I would stop overcompensating for my son's disappointment with toys
I would stop obsessing over why my son died
I had been more persistent with the doctor who rushed me out of my 30 week appointment and told me to get a pillow for my chair when I told him I was getting pain in my lower back and cramps.
God would cut me some slack - he's sent a lot of tough stuff my way but this one has truly broken me.
I could be happier for the sake of my husband and my son
I had called my doctor the minute I realized things weren't right

I wish Daniel was here in my arms - he'd be one month today.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


~There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world~
I think this sums up the tremendous impact Daniel has had on our lives and the lives of those around us .