My First Born Son

I thank God for Sean – my first born child and my first born son. Motherhood is such a hard thing – it consumes your life taking away so much from your self yet leaving you feeling so full. He is what helps with this all. I know that some mothers may not be so lucky to already have a child to help focus on, but having him made me realize how lucky I was and appreciative of the life God had allowed me to care for. I did feel like I had disappointed him. I promised him a brother. I spent months talking about Danny and about how Sean would need to help mommy with taking care of the baby. Sean would lift my shirt up and wave to Danny and give him a hug and a kiss. Now I had nothing to give to him and how was I going to explain that to him.


Everything I read told me to be honest and direct yet simple. Just say “the baby is dead”. How do you explain dead to a three year old? I tried but I don’t think the magnitude of death sits well with a three year old. Sometimes he forgets – it has only been a week but my belly is still big and Sean comments about Daniel. I remind him that his brother is with God. We planted a tree together – Sean helped dig the hole and get the rocks out. This tree is our Danny tree – a Weeping Cherry – the same tree next to Daniel’s grave at the cemetery. With this I hope he will remember his brother and at the very least we will be able to watch this tree grow as we would have been able to watch Daniel grow had he not died.

I worry. I worry that I am so consumed with the loss of Daniel that I might not be a good mother to Sean. I worry that Sean is hurting but can’t express it. For anyone who says that he is little and that he doesn’t understand you are wrong. My son is very smart and very sensitive to people’s feelings. I know he knows we are hurting and he is hurting in his own way too. Sean will be okay. We will all be okay but it takes time.