Reposting Nicole's Note June 27, 2010

I really wanted to repost a note that my husband's niece (she's my niece too)left on this blog. First, because she speaks from her heart and second because I want to comment on her words.

Hey Guys, Its been awhile since I stopped by, its really hard to. Some may agree, some might not, I dont really care to be honest with you. People who havent lost a child the way that you lost Danny and I lost my boys have no idea how hard it is sometimes to relive and talk about it. You can never forget and for me, years later I havent moved on either. Its not the same as loosing a mom, dad, or even a sibling. Its worse. You never get the chance to hear them cry, or even watch them while they sleep. Opening this blog sometimes really makes me cry. The day that I lost Terrande the only Uncle that called was you, Uncle John. MILES away, going through whatever it was that you were going through, and the words "Nic, Im so proud of you, and I LOVE YOU" are imprinted in my heart. I WOULD NEVER WISH such a terrible thing on anybody! I just want you to know that even though I might not say it often, I do think about my baby cousin, and I do hope that the boys found eachother, cause as I was told my grandmom many years ago in the end you only have your family. So play nice boys, I will see you one day, until then, know that I love you and IM AWLAYS thinking and praying for all three of you!

The day Nicole lost her son John was in Delaware and I was home alone. Early that morning our clock fell off the wall. The clock is John's grandmother's and is probably about 100 years old. When it fell it just started to tick erratically and it wouldn't stop. Finally after I picked it up and sat it on the table it stopped. I think that was a sign - only a few hours later John called to tell me the news. Somehow my husband knows how to handle the most difficult situations with grace and dignity. He knew to acknowledge the loss of Nicole's son - just like he knew to make sure that he carried Daniel's tiny coffin out of the funeral parlor and into the herse because, as he said, "he's my son I should carry him". He handled everything so well and I am so proud of him for being such a strong person for our family.

Nicole - I didn't call you. I didn't say anything. I couldn't because I didn't know what to say. At that time I didn't understand. Now I do - but, as you stated, its only because I lost a child, I'm so sorry Nicole. Sometimes I still don't know what to say - I also understand why many haven't said anything to me. I try to talk about Daniel and do things to remember him so people know its okay to talk about him to me and so that no one forgets about him. Its one of the hardest things to do - live life without your child.

2 Years 1 Week & 3 Days

I intentionally did not post on Daniel's day simply because I just needed to soak it all in. This year was different...in some ways easier but in other ways harder. I suppose it was easy because it wasn't the first, but hard because it just makes you realize the permanence of things - there will be lifetime of April 23rds for me to go through. I wonder if each year will get easier or if we won't make the day as special as time goes by?

This year I raised money in honor of Daniel for the March of Dimes. It gave me the opportunity to speak about him and to bring some awareness to others about pregnancy loss. Most surprising to me was the amount of support I received from people I barely knew.....and yet I have family who couldn't even acknowledge my son on his day. Strange how that works. I try not to be angry because I know people just don't know how to be, but its really hard to not feel some animosity towards the people in my life who call themselves "family".

I will say this - a very special friend placed a beautiful candle in a lantern on Daniel's marker. The candle is supposed to burn for a very long time, but when my husband and I arrived at the cemetary it appeared to be out. As we stood over Daniel's grave and talked, a stream of smoke came out of the lantern - we took it as a sign and it was just really nice to have something like that to reassure you that our loved ones in heaven are with us.


We should walk away from the loss of a loved one having learned something - whether it be how to grieve, how to continue to love, or how to let go - our losses should not be for naught.

Finally........

I spent almost two years trying to put together a collage of photos for Daniel and its finally finished. You see, I only have one picture of him - something I regret. If I had known that I was going to miss him forever...that it wasn't going to get that much better.....if I would have known that it was going to be this way - I would have taken pictures. Thank you to the nurse at the hospital who almost insisted that she take his picture. She must have known......

I did my best. Between the small keepsakes, memorial photo projects, and symbolic art, I was able to create something beautiful that helps to remind me of my son.