I have been meaning to write - the lack of input here is certainly not related to lack of need or desire - I guess I've been so busy with life I just haven't been able to make it back here. I notice though, when I'm feeling really down, I have this need to revisit this place. I think about him all the time - I guess it never really goes away no matter what life gives you later on.
I don't want to be ungrateful.... I have a beautiful little girl who I am so thankful for..... but I still feel like I'm missing someone. I still feel cheated. I'm not sure if some where in the back of my mind I thought may be having another baby would fix things but I know now it doesn't. When I see brothers - two little boys - it makes me sad. When I see the obvious gap between my kids it reminds me of what we lost. When people say "now you have one of each" I smile but inside it turns my stomach.
It doesn't get better - it just is - I've accepted it but it still makes me so sad sometimes. I look out my son's window at the tree we planted for Daniel and its getting so big.... just makes me wonder what he would look like right now, what he would be doing, or how our lives would be - at the very least I know we wouldn't have that tree.
I guess today is just a bad day and I will get through it, but for those who are wondering... I'm still here and I still miss my little boy very much.
4 comments:
I was so surprised at the feelings I had after Gunner was born. His birth made me miss Tyler more than I ever had before. Then of course I felt guilty for missing him and guilty for loving Gunner so much. It seems like it just takes awhile for everything to find its own place. Moving on doesn't mean we don't love or miss our boys any less.
I am right there with you. My sweet baby girl didn't fix the heartache but sometimes it felt worse because it made me realize what I missed with Kooper.
I feel the very same way. My most recent post is full of similar sentiments. I'm not sure why I thought being pregnant was going to fix everything either! My counselor has been trying to get me to realize that sadness and grief can coexist with joy and happiness. I feel like that will be the story of my life. Hugs to you.
I'ts been six years since I lost my first son and four since I lost my second son...Believe me it does get easier. Nobody said having another child boy or girl will fill the void cause trust me it doesnt, but having Adonis only made me complete. Dont get me wrong, not a day goes by that I dont whisper to him about his brothers or wonder what they would be doing today if they were here, but the love that I have for my son now is only stronger because of what happen, and for that Im greatful. You may agree or disagree, your aloud to, but I will always think that Im a mother of three WONDERFUL children, even if they are not all here with us today, and you should feel the same. Daniel is with is cousins running around, and THEY ARE FINNS of course they are having a great time doing whatever it is that they might be doing...Smile...he's looking down on you now...
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