I Wish......

I haven't written in quite some time. Believe me its not because I am feeling better. Ever since the 4th of July things have been very hard. I tried to go through some of Sean's old clothes and sort them out. They were all going to be for Daniel. No sense holding on to all that stuff when another little boy could use it. As the clothes got smaller it got harder and harder to give things up. This may have been what triggered the sadness I have been feeling lately. I took Sean to see the fireworks and I found myself surrounded by pregnant women and new babies - happy complete families. There I was feeling very incomplete and very empty. I am not sure why or how long this sad time will last but it feels like I'm starting all over again. I think I've tried about everything to "feel better" but there is nothing that makes this any more bearable. I know I have to be patient and gentle with myself but I much rather climb a mountain and reach the top than travel along the rolling hills of grief with no end in sight.

I just want to close my eyes and make a wish that things would get better. Oh - if wishes came true - I'd make a zillion of them!

I wish......
I would stopped being so scared of losing people in my life
I could be happier for people who are pregnant or who have had babies - I can't help but feel cheated.
I could hold Daniel one more time
I didn't set Sean up for disappointment
I would stop overcompensating for my son's disappointment with toys
I would stop obsessing over why my son died
I had been more persistent with the doctor who rushed me out of my 30 week appointment and told me to get a pillow for my chair when I told him I was getting pain in my lower back and cramps.
God would cut me some slack - he's sent a lot of tough stuff my way but this one has truly broken me.
I could be happier for the sake of my husband and my son
I had called my doctor the minute I realized things weren't right

I wish Daniel was here in my arms - he'd be one month today.