After I gave birth to Daniel my mind and my body were in desperate need of a baby. There were, of course, the phantom belly kicks - the ones that make you, for a moment, feel as if you still have your baby inside. For a while I would stop what I was doing to listen for what I thought was a crying baby. Also, each time I would hold Sean or do certain things with him I would have flashbacks to when he was a baby. Some how my mind was able to take me back to his infancy in a fit of desperation.
I also shed my thick beautiful hair - the hair you can only get when you have pregnancy hormones raging through your body. I had lost some hair with Sean but it wasn't until after I stopped nursing him. With Daniel I shed hair right away and in amounts that seemed unbelievable. Even my husband commented on how much there was. A glaring sign that I was no longer "pregnant" and there was no one to nurse.
The past few days I have been shedding hair - I'm done nursing Mia and I think all the "feel-good" pregnancy hormones are leaving my body. As I bent over and swept up the long strands of hair on the bathroom floor this morning I had a flashback to just a year ago after losing Daniel.
Funny how the small and mundane every day tasks can be constant reminders of our losses. I am constantly catching 423 on the clock, in license plates, lottery numbers, etc. Its the little things that make it hard to get through a day without being reminded of the intense saddness that I hold in my heart.
2 comments:
The hair. Oh the hair...I have included that in one of my blog posts to be posted. For the past month and a half I have been shedding like a dog. Its such a kick in the stomach. I did that after I had my son so it is a constant reminder my daughter is not here.
I know. I have flashbacks, but they are slowly disappearing because Kooper in my mind is a baby and Kamryn just keeps on growing. Now I find myself imagining how Kooper would have been at whatever age and find myself yearning to hold him again.
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