Daniel

I just love this.... Thank you Jenna's mommy (Abiding Hope Collage). I needed something else to finish the photo frame collage I am making for Daniel (its hard when you only have one picture). This is perfect.

Reminders

After I gave birth to Daniel my mind and my body were in desperate need of a baby. There were, of course, the phantom belly kicks - the ones that make you, for a moment, feel as if you still have your baby inside. For a while I would stop what I was doing to listen for what I thought was a crying baby. Also, each time I would hold Sean or do certain things with him I would have flashbacks to when he was a baby. Some how my mind was able to take me back to his infancy in a fit of desperation.

I also shed my thick beautiful hair - the hair you can only get when you have pregnancy hormones raging through your body. I had lost some hair with Sean but it wasn't until after I stopped nursing him. With Daniel I shed hair right away and in amounts that seemed unbelievable. Even my husband commented on how much there was. A glaring sign that I was no longer "pregnant" and there was no one to nurse.

The past few days I have been shedding hair - I'm done nursing Mia and I think all the "feel-good" pregnancy hormones are leaving my body. As I bent over and swept up the long strands of hair on the bathroom floor this morning I had a flashback to just a year ago after losing Daniel.

Funny how the small and mundane every day tasks can be constant reminders of our losses. I am constantly catching 423 on the clock, in license plates, lottery numbers, etc. Its the little things that make it hard to get through a day without being reminded of the intense saddness that I hold in my heart.

I Should Have Known Continued.......

Someone commented on my previous post and asked how I could question God's will. I wasn't questioning His will at all. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about God. When we first lost Daniel I found it hard to not blame God. I was very angry. I couldn't understand why he would allow yet another loss in my life - let alone the loss of my son. Over time I have learned - or at least have come to interpret - that God doesn't make things happen in our life. I believe that things happen and God is there to help us, to guide us through life to make the right decisions and have faith and hope in our lives. Religion is a touchy subject, but I have always been open-minded to how each of us wants to include God in our lives.

If I am questioning anything - it is my ability as a mother. I carry around a lot of guilt for each of my children - like when Sean split his lip open when he was two years old or the fact that Mia has a bad cough. The same goes with Daniel's death. I remember John said something in the hospital while we were waiting to deliver Daniel - "Do you think he was in pain?". I of course said no but the thought crossed my mind and I often wonder this. As a mother we don't want our children to hurt.

Realistically I know its not my fault - I did not intentionally hurt Daniel just like I didn't intentionally get Mia sick, but its hard to let that go. The commentary said something about God now haveing a perfect little angel. Well I'm happy for God but, honestly, the selfish part of me would take that perfect little angel away from God in a second if I could.

Sean's Dime

Earlier on when we first lost Daniel I had posted something about pennies and dimes - they are signs from our loved ones up in heaven. The other day Sean and John were up in the baby room at daycare. They brought a plant to Mia's teacher for her birthday. As a part of the conversation Sean brought up Daniel. I don't have all the details but as they were leaving daycare they walked passed Daniel's bench. The bench was placed there by the daycare to remember Daniel. As Sean and John passed the bench Sean spotted a dime. Not sure who that was from but it was a nice sign from "someone" reminding Sean(and us)that everything is okay.

I Should Have Known....

I tell myself that all the time. As much as I have accepted Daniel's loss and as much as I am so happy to have my daughter, there is this terrible guilt that consumes me. I should have known things weren't right - I wish I could go back and DEMAND that I be checked more thoroughly. I spoke but no loud enough and the ignorance of not knowing what could happen made my voice that much softer. I should have known and if I had he might be here.