I don't really have any particular feelings with regards to a new year and my little angel - it all sort of just melts together. Ups and downs, here and there with no particular pattern. I guess as time goes on I'm realizing that "yes I still hurt" and "no you can't change what has already happened". I still live with regrets and I have to admit, as much as I hate to, that when I hear about babies who have made it alive into this world I am happy for the families but in my heart I secretly ask myself why us...why Daniel...why couldn't he be one of the babies that made it?
I still want to continue to parent my child....I think we all do. I see blogs dedicated to lost babies and people who have started all sorts of services to provide support to bereaved families. I've never been one for fighting for a cause or being deeply involved in helping others. I know it sounds terrible, but I guess its just how I grew up - I took care of myself first because there was no one else that was really ever there to look out for me.
So I asked myself "What can I do for Daniel?". Bringing things to the cemetery only to see them get thrown out is discouraging and sad. I hate to pour my heart into something and have it just get tossed. I'm not much for cemeteries either....as far as I'm concerned he's not there. I've come up with a few things this year that I would like to accomplish that I hope will help remind people that he is still my little boy and that I will always miss him.
(1)Tattoo - well this is somewhat ironic....I got a tattoo when I was 18 (young and dumb) and it had two hearts - one broken and the other with the initials DW in it. The hearts are encompassed by the "MAD LOVE". How I could have foreseen this I will never know - at the time the initials stood for a "very ex" boyfriend. I wanted so badly to have it removed and promised myself that after Daniel was born I was going to have it covered up or something along those lines. Well several days after he died I realized how fitting the tattoo now was DW - Daniel Wade (meaning "god is our judge" and "to go") and MAD - My Angel Daniel. I still plan to have the tattoo worked on because it needs to be spruced up, but what ever I do it will be in tribute to my little boy.
(2)Wall Frame Collage - I started a collage of wall frames that I wanted to put up in my bedroom - nothing overtly obvious but all things that represented Daniel. Some of the wonderful works of art done by other grieving moms like To Write Their Names in the Sand or Abiding Hope Collages. I just have to finish a few more things and then hang it up. This year definitely.
(3) Running - Only a couple weeks after losing Daniel I started running - mostly to get in shape but I soon found it provided an emotional release from all the pain. I remember running and then just crying so hard as I ran and feeling so much relief afterwards. I picked up running again and I hope to run the Hartford 1/2 Marathon in October. You can run for a charity of your choice so I would like to, if I can, run for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I only have one picture of my little boy and I regret not having more. This is a wonderful organization - capturing moments in life that we can never get back - like our angels.
Sometimes we have to embrace the things we can and let free the things we can't.
