If you love deeply, you will grieve deeply
If you deny your grief, you deny the
reality of the love you felt.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Cracked Shell
We just got back from Disney. We planned the trip as a way of having something to look forward to - something to help fill the disappointment of losing Daniel. We had a good time and I think both John and I really enjoyed watching Sean "believe" in everything magical that Disney has to offer. Deep down inside though, I couldn't help but miss my baby.
Every where I turned there were either pregnant women or newborn babies - constant reminders that I should have my little boy with me. Seeing families with 2 or more children I couldn't help but think how small my family seemed. I wonder if anyone was looking at us in this same way. A couple who maybe couldn't have children or who had lost their only child might be looking at us and saying "its not fair".
We saw a father one evening dancing with his daughter. She was about 3 years old with a cute bob and a big grin - she had Down Syndrome and I couldn't help but smile when I saw them together. They were so happy. The mother joined in on the dance and they all giggled at the end of the song. It made me realize that sometimes we need to just be thankful for what we have. John said God will only give you what he thinks you can handle, but sometimes I wonder if God is testing us to see if our faith will prevail.
We are all born with this invisible shell - it gives us strength and helps us get through hard times in life. Sometimes things are so tough that we get a crack in our shell. The crack makes it hard to cope with difficult times in life from that point on. Small things that used to be no big deal become gigantic, hard times seem extraordinarily hard, and sometimes your will to prevail is muted by a lack of motivation and courage. I cried when we got back from Disney - I went from really high to really low. I just want to get to the middle and stay there.
Every where I turned there were either pregnant women or newborn babies - constant reminders that I should have my little boy with me. Seeing families with 2 or more children I couldn't help but think how small my family seemed. I wonder if anyone was looking at us in this same way. A couple who maybe couldn't have children or who had lost their only child might be looking at us and saying "its not fair".
We saw a father one evening dancing with his daughter. She was about 3 years old with a cute bob and a big grin - she had Down Syndrome and I couldn't help but smile when I saw them together. They were so happy. The mother joined in on the dance and they all giggled at the end of the song. It made me realize that sometimes we need to just be thankful for what we have. John said God will only give you what he thinks you can handle, but sometimes I wonder if God is testing us to see if our faith will prevail.
We are all born with this invisible shell - it gives us strength and helps us get through hard times in life. Sometimes things are so tough that we get a crack in our shell. The crack makes it hard to cope with difficult times in life from that point on. Small things that used to be no big deal become gigantic, hard times seem extraordinarily hard, and sometimes your will to prevail is muted by a lack of motivation and courage. I cried when we got back from Disney - I went from really high to really low. I just want to get to the middle and stay there.
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