Someone commented on my previous post and asked how I could question God's will. I wasn't questioning His will at all. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about God. When we first lost Daniel I found it hard to not blame God. I was very angry. I couldn't understand why he would allow yet another loss in my life - let alone the loss of my son. Over time I have learned - or at least have come to interpret - that God doesn't make things happen in our life. I believe that things happen and God is there to help us, to guide us through life to make the right decisions and have faith and hope in our lives. Religion is a touchy subject, but I have always been open-minded to how each of us wants to include God in our lives.
If I am questioning anything - it is my ability as a mother. I carry around a lot of guilt for each of my children - like when Sean split his lip open when he was two years old or the fact that Mia has a bad cough. The same goes with Daniel's death. I remember John said something in the hospital while we were waiting to deliver Daniel - "Do you think he was in pain?". I of course said no but the thought crossed my mind and I often wonder this. As a mother we don't want our children to hurt.
Realistically I know its not my fault - I did not intentionally hurt Daniel just like I didn't intentionally get Mia sick, but its hard to let that go. The commentary said something about God now haveing a perfect little angel. Well I'm happy for God but, honestly, the selfish part of me would take that perfect little angel away from God in a second if I could.
2 comments:
"Well I'm happy for God but, honestly, the selfish part of me would take that perfect little angel away from God in a second if I could". Such true, true words. I will never understand or agree when people say that to me. Ridiculous. Our Angels belong with us.
I also understand, whole heartedly about the guilt. As much as we know that there is nothing more we could have done, as a mom, we strive to protect our children from harm, pain, heartache... It is so hard to accept that when something happens to them that it wasn't our fault in some way. We always find a way to blame ourselves.
Thinking of you and Daniel today.
I miscarried at only 6wks, but the loss is still there. And the questioning and even just being angry at God is there too. I do not see how anyone who has lost a child (miscarriage, still born, or any other way) could not. Personally, I think God understands that it is through our grief that our anger and questioning comes. We can accept and understand that God always has a plan, but it does not make it any easier to deal with our child not being with us.
I have also dealt with such an overwhelming amount of guilt. It's like what could I have done so that my child would still be with me. I think acceptance becomes easier as we go, but it will never be forgotten.
So sorry for your loss, I know yours was far worse than mine; being farther along. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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