Grief Revisited

I'm not sure why things have been so particularly hard for me lately. It feels as if I've stepped back two years - back to the early months after losing Daniel. I find myself crying more frequently, searching the Internet to look for direction and thinking of ways I can turn his loss into something positive. It could be the holidays or possibly the change in season - whatever it is I just have been so down and revisiting many of the feelings I was paralyzed by after losing Daniel.

I'm not who I used to be - in some ways good and in many ways bad. I don't know how to fix myself. I wish I could control my feelings - I'm so angry and my perception of things at times are distorted. When I take a moment to really digest my feelings I think that is when I realize that I still haven't dealt very well with my little boy's death. I still carry a lot of guilt - not just the guilt of not saving him or the guilt of all the things that I "think" I might have done to cause his loss, but the guilt of not loving and honoring him the way I should have for the short time we had him.

I was so damn disconnected from my feelings. I feel much anger because I was never taught how to express my emotions openly. It was only after everything was said and done - after Daniel was buried in his tiny grave that I was able to think about what I wished I had done BUT I couldn't get him back again to do it the right way. I wish someone would have told me and if they did - I tend to be pig-headed - I wish I had listened.

Only a few months after losing Daniel, a young teacher at Sean's school lost her son due to stillbirth. I had the opportunity to talk to her prior to her giving birth and provide what ever guidance I could at the time. I told her everything I had felt during my period of loss and what I had done or wished I had done. As much as she may have felt this was helpful for her - it was some what therapeutic for me. I didn't want someone else to have to carry the same regrets I was carrying. This helped me so much at the time - possibly more than it may have helped her.

I wish I had had someone to talk to immediately following the news of Daniel's death - someone that could understand what I was going through and provide me with guidance. This came later on but too late for me to change any of the things I had already made permanent. I wish I had looked at his little hands and toes, I wish I had held him longer and told him how much I loved him, I wish I had taken more pictures - of him and of us holding him, I wish I had purchased a nice outfit for him to buried in and I wish I had made his funeral open to everyone - he deserved that much.

I could say I wish I could go back in time and change what I did, but I don't want to go back. At times it feels like I'm still there - 2 1/2 years later. I fully comprehend our human inability to go back and change what happens in the past but I still dwell on it. I need to remind myself that we still do, however, have the ability to change the future and I think I need to focus on that more. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but then again I don't think I knew where I was headed the last time - April 23, 2008 - grief picked me up like a huge tidal wave and slammed me down upon its shore.