Is the baby going to come down now?

Out of the blue this morning Sean popped up over the edge of the couch and said to me - "Is the baby going to come down now?" I asked him what he meant by that and he said "Is our baby going to come down from the sky?" I had to tell him no - that baby will never come back because once babies go to heaven they stay there forever. He was disappointed but in a way similar to how a child reacts when they can't have a toy - not so much a tantrum just a sort of whine "oh I wanted the baby to come back down". Obviously he still doesn't understand the magnitude of death, but he understands the loss and the emptiness that we are all feeling.

Later on in the store we saw a set of twins in a double stroller (seems like we were surrounded by babies all day). Sean looked over at them and smiled - he said "Awww those are babies just like our baby". I said "Yes, Daniel will always be our baby". I just feel so sad that Sean couldn't get to experience what it is truly like to be a big brother. I laugh sometimes because I know if Daniel was here Sean would be pitching a storm around the house because that would mean less "Sean" time with mommy and daddy. Also, a lot of things that we have done or plan to do this summer would never have happened if we hadn't lost Daniel.

It is so hard to find the positive in all this. The only thing I can be thankful of is my son and the fact that I can actually take the time I have with him now and enjoy it - instead of running around trying to learn to care for two small children often on my own. Sean is still a baby - there is so much he is learning to do and I have to thank Daniel for giving me the chance to appreciate it because once its gone its gone.

I wish Sean didn't have to feel the disappointment though. I also wish his grieving process wasn't so dragged out. The book said this is how it would be - each time children reach a milestone and their thought process becomes more complex they will ask questions. Sean talks about Daniel all the time. I hope one day he will understand and he will be okay with it.