Awkward Moments!

I am constantly grappling with the following question: How many children do you have? I have heard this discussed by other mothers of angels and everyone has their own spin on it. I want so badly to say I have three children, but I always find myself stuttering and saying "I have a 4 year old and a 9 week old at home". It's the best I can do. I guess there is a time and a place for everything, but at times I just want to blurt it out - the only problem is I can hardly speak of my loss without crying. I get so choked up and it doesn't help when I see the sorry look in the other person's eyes.

In an effort to get my body back after two years of being pregnant I joined the gym at work. Part of joining involves a fitness check including weight, height, measurements, etc. Included with the membership is a personalized workout program. I was asked what my goals were and I explained I wanted to work on my core and drop some weight mentioning that I had back-to-back pregnancies. The fitness coordinator asked how old my children were and I said "four and two months". She looked puzzled and looked back on the sheet. I explained that my son was stillborn, with tears in my eyes of course, and that was that. A very awkward moment but I'm sure it won't be the last and it certainly wasn't the first.

A Special Gift.....

Life is zipping along and I must say that for the first time, in a long time even before we lost Daniel, I truly feel happy about life. Not that I didn't appreciate being blessed with my husband and son, but I spent the last 4 years dwelling on what I didn't have instead of focusing on all the great things I did have.

This past weekend we had the honor of christening our daughter Mia - a blessing from God that we would not have today if Daniel had not died. It was a great day - very busy - and it was so nice to be able to celebrate having her in our lives. Mia received lots of gifts but the most precious gift of all was one that we received from a friend who in his own life has had struggles and in the midst of them found the compassion and empathy to remember our pain. The gift was one for us, but I could see one day giving it to Mia because she should know that she is here with us today because Daniel isn't.

Still Here.......

I have been meaning to write - the lack of input here is certainly not related to lack of need or desire - I guess I've been so busy with life I just haven't been able to make it back here. I notice though, when I'm feeling really down, I have this need to revisit this place. I think about him all the time - I guess it never really goes away no matter what life gives you later on.

I don't want to be ungrateful.... I have a beautiful little girl who I am so thankful for..... but I still feel like I'm missing someone. I still feel cheated. I'm not sure if some where in the back of my mind I thought may be having another baby would fix things but I know now it doesn't. When I see brothers - two little boys - it makes me sad. When I see the obvious gap between my kids it reminds me of what we lost. When people say "now you have one of each" I smile but inside it turns my stomach.

It doesn't get better - it just is - I've accepted it but it still makes me so sad sometimes. I look out my son's window at the tree we planted for Daniel and its getting so big.... just makes me wonder what he would look like right now, what he would be doing, or how our lives would be - at the very least I know we wouldn't have that tree.

I guess today is just a bad day and I will get through it, but for those who are wondering... I'm still here and I still miss my little boy very much.