I have been meaning to write - the lack of input here is certainly not related to lack of need or desire - I guess I've been so busy with life I just haven't been able to make it back here. I notice though, when I'm feeling really down, I have this need to revisit this place. I think about him all the time - I guess it never really goes away no matter what life gives you later on.
I don't want to be ungrateful.... I have a beautiful little girl who I am so thankful for..... but I still feel like I'm missing someone. I still feel cheated. I'm not sure if some where in the back of my mind I thought may be having another baby would fix things but I know now it doesn't. When I see brothers - two little boys - it makes me sad. When I see the obvious gap between my kids it reminds me of what we lost. When people say "now you have one of each" I smile but inside it turns my stomach.
It doesn't get better - it just is - I've accepted it but it still makes me so sad sometimes. I look out my son's window at the tree we planted for Daniel and its getting so big.... just makes me wonder what he would look like right now, what he would be doing, or how our lives would be - at the very least I know we wouldn't have that tree.
I guess today is just a bad day and I will get through it, but for those who are wondering... I'm still here and I still miss my little boy very much.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Life's Recalculation
In the last few years - more so this last year - I have become much more aware of what life is truly all about. I think at some point in time I believed that you could control your life's destiny, that everything can be perfect and as you want it to be if you just work towards that which you envision.
I know now - with 32 years of wisdom under my belt - that sometimes life is what ever comes your way. People will die (including babies) whether it be tragically sudden or of old age. What you have in life now isn't a true indicator of who you are or who you will be. Unmet goals aren't necessarily a sign of failure but a "recalculation" in life's GPS. Once you can accept what you have and stop focusing on what you don't have, life gets so much easier to live.
Below are a few thoughtful words passed along via e-mail that I felt were worth posting.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, DON'T take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
I know now - with 32 years of wisdom under my belt - that sometimes life is what ever comes your way. People will die (including babies) whether it be tragically sudden or of old age. What you have in life now isn't a true indicator of who you are or who you will be. Unmet goals aren't necessarily a sign of failure but a "recalculation" in life's GPS. Once you can accept what you have and stop focusing on what you don't have, life gets so much easier to live.
Below are a few thoughtful words passed along via e-mail that I felt were worth posting.
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first pay check.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, DON'T take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion, Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone and everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give it time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Blessings
The excerpt below is from the blog of another mother who found it in another mother's post. I find myself at a loss for words sometimes and its not that I am not feeling anything right now, just that I am very confused about how I feel. I think the quote below sums it up pretty much.
"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blond, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." (http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html)
Our children are always our children no matter the circumstances. I think that speaks true for any parent in any situation. We have to remember that we are blessed to have what ever God gives us.
"The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blond, some have blue eyes and some brown, some have hot tempers, while others are mild mannered. Some have developmental delays, and some have physical impairments. Some are meant to stay for a long time, and others only a moment. He trusts these children, His children to us as gifts. They are not ours, but His and they each bless us in a different way and take up residence in a different part of our hearts we never knew existed. Even the children who are only with us briefly bless us with immense gifts that will never be erased or forgotten. One doesn't replace another and each one is as valuable as the next. I have been blessed FIVE times. I am still trying to wrap my mind around that and find contentment with the blessings He has bestowed upon me even when there is pain intertwined with the joy. I am learning that feeling joy for the NEW thing the Lord is doing in my life does not replace the loss that I feel daily." (http://babybolte.blogspot.com/2009/05/struggle-with-contentment.html)
Our children are always our children no matter the circumstances. I think that speaks true for any parent in any situation. We have to remember that we are blessed to have what ever God gives us.
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