John often visits Daniel at the cemetery, so the other day he stopped to get him some flowers. The woman at the register asked what they were for and he stated "a grave". She said she was sorry but proceeded to ask for who and he stated "my son". Again she apologized but continued to ask how old he was when he died and John told her that he was stillborn. Again she apologized but drummed up the courage to mention how she had a miscarriage at 12 weeks exactly one year ago. After some discussion about her wanting to try again and her husband feeling like he was too old to have anymore children, she made a comment about how ironic it was that they crossed paths. I suppose her knowing our situation and her feelings with today being her angel's anniversary made her feel like talking with John was a sign.
After their conversation John left the store with Daniel weighing heavily on his mind. As he got in his car, the radio station he usually listens to was announcing a contest where you can call-in and win $99. Since the timing was right, John proceeded to dial the number. The line rang and instead of the radio station an answering machine picked up and there was a little voice on the other end that said "Hi Daddy!". I think John was a bit taken aback. Clearly he had dialed the wrong number, but its always nice to know that there are signs all around us and it always seems that our ability to see them is strongest during the hardest times in our lives.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
"But We Have Daniel"
I took Sean for his 4 year old check up this week and I am so glad I did. I had a really good time watching him interact with the nurses and the doctors and seeing how wonderful he is.
Several times during the exam from different people Sean was asked if he had any brothers or sisters. Each time I interjected and stated no and each time Sean gave me this confused look. I couldn't help but feel guilty. Its not that I don't acknowledge Daniel - he is a very big part of our life. I just don't want to get into a conversation about my stillborn son with complete strangers.
When Sean finally saw the pediatrician, she again asked at one point during the exam if he had any brothers or sisters at home. I stated no and he jumped in and said "but we have Daniel". The doctor looked at me strangely so I explained to her how we had a baby last year who was stillborn. She said "I see" and Sean just nodded his head and I smiled at him.
Later on I told him how proud I was of him for remembering his little brother. I did tell him that sometimes mommy doesn't mention Daniel because it makes me sad. I want him to know that its okay to talk about him - I wish I had half his courage and clarity. Not a day goes by where I don't think about my little boy in heaven - not talking about him doesn't mean he's not on my mind and in my heart.
Several times during the exam from different people Sean was asked if he had any brothers or sisters. Each time I interjected and stated no and each time Sean gave me this confused look. I couldn't help but feel guilty. Its not that I don't acknowledge Daniel - he is a very big part of our life. I just don't want to get into a conversation about my stillborn son with complete strangers.
When Sean finally saw the pediatrician, she again asked at one point during the exam if he had any brothers or sisters at home. I stated no and he jumped in and said "but we have Daniel". The doctor looked at me strangely so I explained to her how we had a baby last year who was stillborn. She said "I see" and Sean just nodded his head and I smiled at him.
Later on I told him how proud I was of him for remembering his little brother. I did tell him that sometimes mommy doesn't mention Daniel because it makes me sad. I want him to know that its okay to talk about him - I wish I had half his courage and clarity. Not a day goes by where I don't think about my little boy in heaven - not talking about him doesn't mean he's not on my mind and in my heart.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
For Under the Tree
I'm posting responses to these questions for Under the Tree
How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I've been blogging for almost a year - a few weeks after losing my son Daniel. Frantically searching for answers as to why my son died I stumbled upon the blog of a woman who had lost her first child. It made me realize that you can never forget - you must always remember and continue to love your baby no matter where he or she is. From writing I wanted to find remembrance for my son, but I soon realized that it serves as an outlet for my grief and I hope a place for others to go should they find themselves walking in my shoes.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
I'd have to say Babycenter Community has been a safe haven for me. Surrounding myself with others who have been down the same road has allowed me the freedom to speak without feeling utterly insane at times. I also know I can talk to my husband -it may hurt him at times to hear me still be so sad, but I know he understands and he will listen.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I never finished the book because I got to chapter 3 and something inside of me snapped. The book is entitled "A New Earth". I try to go back to it every now and then when I find myself feeling down.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Ignorant. Selfish. Unappreciative. I can't say I've completely changed but I am so much more aware of myself. I am much more aware of other people's lives - their hardships and struggles. This makes me more understanding and less self-absorbed. I love my family with all my heart and try to pay more attention to every fleeting moment. Life is so precious. Above all I have learned acceptance and imperfection. Life is not easy and it is not perfect but that's okay and sometimes we have to allow ourselves to just give in, feel, and get through.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I think I am coping well now. I don't think I coped well initially. There is a light at the end of the darkness but it will always have dull glow. In a years time I hope to be loving each one of my children - the first who taught me so much and challenged me every step of the way, the second whose loss brought me clarity, and the third who I hope to meet in a few months - the child who will truly benefit from all his or her mother has learned along the way.
How long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?
I've been blogging for almost a year - a few weeks after losing my son Daniel. Frantically searching for answers as to why my son died I stumbled upon the blog of a woman who had lost her first child. It made me realize that you can never forget - you must always remember and continue to love your baby no matter where he or she is. From writing I wanted to find remembrance for my son, but I soon realized that it serves as an outlet for my grief and I hope a place for others to go should they find themselves walking in my shoes.
Where is safest place for you to share your feelings? Is there anywhere you feel completely accepted just being however you are really feeling?
I'd have to say Babycenter Community has been a safe haven for me. Surrounding myself with others who have been down the same road has allowed me the freedom to speak without feeling utterly insane at times. I also know I can talk to my husband -it may hurt him at times to hear me still be so sad, but I know he understands and he will listen.
Can you recommend any books that you have read that have given you a new insight, hope or courage in this new life you find yourself in?
I never finished the book because I got to chapter 3 and something inside of me snapped. The book is entitled "A New Earth". I try to go back to it every now and then when I find myself feeling down.
How would you describe yourself before you lost your baby. How have you changed, who are you today?
Ignorant. Selfish. Unappreciative. I can't say I've completely changed but I am so much more aware of myself. I am much more aware of other people's lives - their hardships and struggles. This makes me more understanding and less self-absorbed. I love my family with all my heart and try to pay more attention to every fleeting moment. Life is so precious. Above all I have learned acceptance and imperfection. Life is not easy and it is not perfect but that's okay and sometimes we have to allow ourselves to just give in, feel, and get through.
How do you think you are coping? Do you see any light in this road or is it all dark right now? Where do you imagine yourself to be in a years time?
I think I am coping well now. I don't think I coped well initially. There is a light at the end of the darkness but it will always have dull glow. In a years time I hope to be loving each one of my children - the first who taught me so much and challenged me every step of the way, the second whose loss brought me clarity, and the third who I hope to meet in a few months - the child who will truly benefit from all his or her mother has learned along the way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)