tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31152535395724321482012-02-16T11:43:30.004-05:00There are moments in your life that make you and set the course of who you're going to be. Sometimes they are little, subtle moments. Sometimes they're big moments you never saw coming. No one asks for their life to change, but it does. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.comBlogger881100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-24646365084628122122011-12-30T23:19:00.000-05:002011-12-30T23:20:22.672-05:00

I know my posts seem to be far and few between - obviously with the holiday season coming to a close I'm finding myself in a bit of a funk and have a greater need to write particularly tonight where I seem to be on a roll! I just wanted to tell one more story. My husband delivered a baby boy last night! No HE was not expecting nor is he a doctor. He is a police officer and this baby could not

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-40387262449498902382011-12-30T22:47:00.001-05:002011-12-30T22:47:16.308-05:00

"Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-16068181925603807202011-12-30T22:45:00.001-05:002011-12-30T22:50:08.511-05:00

Winning the essay contest at work and getting a trip to Disney as well as entry into the Disney Half Marathon is just great. Even greater is the fact that I will be a guide for a U.S. Marine who will be running with the Achilles Freedom Team during the half marathon. This soldier was diagnosed with breast cancer while deployed in Afghanistan and is actively undergoing breast cancer treatment to

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-88162435156760247822011-12-09T21:46:00.001-05:002011-12-09T21:48:37.271-05:00

The Worldwide Candle Lighting is coming up on December 11th. People from around the world will be lighting candles to remember and honor children who have died. Click on this link to learn more about this meaningful event World Wide Candle Lighting

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-82820437427624469092011-12-09T21:39:00.001-05:002011-12-09T21:43:09.357-05:00

Yes, the hustle bustle of the holiday season is upon us!  It is that time of year where work is busy, life is busy and I'm just busy being busy!  So here is my random thought of the day......the sooner we can stop feeling sorry for ourselves and acknowledge the struggles others face the sooner we can move on with living life. The Duggars lost their baby - it has been quite the topic of the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-58212578627018474362011-11-18T21:48:00.001-05:002011-11-18T22:02:25.372-05:00

I had mentioned in a previous post that I wrote an essay about how running helps me to reach my full potential for a contest at work. Well I am happy to say that my essay was chosen and I won an all expense paid trip to Disney and entry into the Disney Half Marathon in January. I am really excited and honored, but most of all I'm really proud of myself. My essay was truthful and openly discussed

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-36103248287567503522011-11-09T21:32:00.001-05:002011-11-09T21:58:15.930-05:00

Earlier this week I had the honor of taking a walk with a woman who I have the most profound respect for. Her daughter was born full term and died shortly after birth due to anencephaly which is a birth defect where the brain does not develop or fully develop which results in either stillbirth or death upon birth.  This woman learned of her daughter's diagnosis at 12 weeks and after all the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-16874413375205920982011-10-12T14:53:00.002-04:002011-10-12T14:53:20.402-04:00

The Heartbreak of Infant Loss <!--startclickprintexclude--> var trkcid=131289299;var partnerID=380404; var _hb=1; window.onerror=function(){clickURL=document.location.href;return true;} if(!self.clickURL) clickURL=parent.location.href; By Laura Schubert   This photo shows Anna Schubert, who would’ve turned 5 this month. <!-- To fix IE6 problem of the back/forward arrows not

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-38760143676406741902011-10-02T16:01:00.000-04:002011-10-02T16:21:46.601-04:00

It has been about 6 months since the March of Dimes walk and I am intentionally just now saying thank you to all those who donated in honor of my son, walked to help save babies and provided support by just being there with my family on that day. It means so very much to us. Unfortunately I am one of THE worst photographers so I only have a few pictures of the day. I really want

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-9263364409492752011-09-24T00:20:00.000-04:002011-09-24T00:22:33.063-04:00

On October 2, 2011 at 1 PM the first annual Footprints On Our Hearts Walk To Remember will be held at East Shore Park in New Haven, CT. This will be the first official event I will be attending specifically to acknowledge and remember my stillborn son. I have gone to the March of Dimes walk but it is more positively focused around saving lives which is wonderful but doesn't entirely meet my

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-30272251033860905852011-09-24T00:06:00.003-04:002011-09-24T00:06:36.879-04:00

For so long I just kept asking why. Why me? Why did my son have to be the one to die? I think I get it now - not necessarily why but rather that things happen - they shape us and make us who we are. We can choose to let the hard times suffocate our living or choos to live.  I'm not saying I wouldn't take it all back if I could. I remember those first few weeks after we lost Daniel where I just

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-21983836394068947812011-09-05T05:47:00.003-04:002011-09-05T17:16:22.575-04:00

I hate re-reading something I've written even if simply for the purpose of editting. I just briefly went back to 2009 and read some of my posts. I'm so glad I wrote down my thoughts and the things that transpired during this time. I couldn't stop crying of course - its so easy to forget things but it is so important to remember. I'm going to have to grab some of those posts and put them some

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-35709519014881756272011-09-01T15:16:00.000-04:002011-09-01T15:17:56.006-04:00

When someone dies, you don't get over your grief by forgetting, you get through your grief by remembering. For there is nothing more you can do than that. <3

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-57258920043475592992011-08-24T22:10:00.004-04:002011-09-06T12:29:17.323-04:00

I haven't posted here in a while. I feel like a bad mommy. It certainly isn't because Daniel hasn't been on my mind. I've realized that a lot of what I do today is because of my son, because of the loss, the grief and the heartache. I know I'm a better person. I care for others - complete strangers. I've developed a tremendous amount of compassion for people who are suffering that I never had in

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-78504565889110831922011-04-23T07:37:00.006-04:002011-04-23T14:54:17.626-04:00

Wish you were here...its raining...the angels must be crying too. Wish I could just cuddle with you today and watch a movie.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-6622376234913302592011-04-20T12:54:00.003-04:002011-09-05T22:22:42.119-04:00

When I was pregnant with Daniel, we took our son Sean, who was about 3 at the time, to see his first "real" movie at the movie theater. The movie we saw was "Horton Hears A Who!". I remembering saying to myself that this was also Daniel's first movie. Now we didn't and still don't get out to the movies very much so it stands out quite vivid in my mind however I don't think I realized the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-26714136016686799542011-03-15T22:28:00.007-04:002011-03-22T13:30:23.629-04:00

It's that time of the year and the impending season of Spring always seems to stir up feelings of anger, unwarranted guilt, and deep sadness that sit stagnant in my heart. Life seem so much harder when you're consciously carrying around this grief that never really seems to go away. Just as the weather starts to get warmer and signs of winter begin to vanish my heart always seems to get heavier.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-27200928715707199332010-11-21T19:24:00.003-05:002010-11-21T19:31:11.215-05:00

Uuugh - part of me loves them - in fact I used to really love them. They just aren't the same anymore. I went to a baby shower today - it was the first since Daniel died 2 1/2 years ago and of course it was for a little baby boy. Everything was lovely - little clothes lines of new baby boy clothes, lots of food and plenty of gifts. I caught myself a few times deep in thought and very sad almost

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-4314262456183758922010-11-13T22:19:00.004-05:002010-11-13T23:02:23.118-05:00

I'm not sure why things have been so particularly hard for me lately. It feels as if I've stepped back two years - back to the early months after losing Daniel. I find myself crying more frequently, searching the Internet to look for direction and thinking of ways I can turn his loss into something positive. It could be the holidays or possibly the change in season - whatever it is I just have

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-53035455840906397382010-10-14T20:41:00.000-04:002010-10-14T20:42:16.121-04:00

In 1989, President Ronald Regan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This has proven to be instrumental in bringing the needs of bereaved parents to the forefront. In addition, several years ago, October 15 was declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day, parents, grandparents and friends around the country light candles at 7 PM in honor of babies who

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-25420312110639457942010-09-09T19:19:00.002-04:002010-09-09T19:36:17.486-04:00

It has literally been forever and, of course, its not because I haven't thought of my little boy or missed him dearly - one of the hard parts of losing someone is that you have to move on with life and continue to live without them. I have been very busy - too busy and actually way too tired to post - but not too busy to keep my little boy in my heart and on my mind.Today as I drove into work

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-37090363693172528712010-06-27T16:55:00.005-04:002010-06-27T20:30:29.305-04:00

Since I never got the chance to read this at my grandmother's funeral a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to at least be able to have the opportunity to put it out there for others. She lost 4 children - three as infants/toddlers and one as an adult so its somewhat fitting for this blog. I tried not to dwell on that too much, but after I lost Daniel I remember seeing her and she seemed like she truly

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-54503242602362219612010-06-27T16:29:00.004-04:002010-06-27T16:42:08.187-04:00

I really wanted to repost a note that my husband's niece (she's my niece too)left on this blog. First, because she speaks from her heart and second because I want to comment on her words.Hey Guys, Its been awhile since I stopped by, its really hard to. Some may agree, some might not, I dont really care to be honest with you. People who havent lost a child the way that you lost Danny and I lost my

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-61239199733819657752010-05-03T21:42:00.003-04:002010-05-03T22:02:08.953-04:00

I intentionally did not post on Daniel's day simply because I just needed to soak it all in. This year was different...in some ways easier but in other ways harder. I suppose it was easy because it wasn't the first, but hard because it just makes you realize the permanence of things - there will be lifetime of April 23rds for me to go through. I wonder if each year will get easier or if we won't

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-30871884860735586852010-04-19T19:10:00.004-04:002010-04-19T19:27:24.613-04:00

I spent almost two years trying to put together a collage of photos for Daniel and its finally finished. You see, I only have one picture of him - something I regret. If I had known that I was going to miss him forever...that it wasn't going to get that much better.....if I would have known that it was going to be this way - I would have taken pictures. Thank you to the nurse at the hospital who

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-47093534385016242872010-03-19T22:16:00.002-04:002010-03-19T23:04:25.085-04:00

The last week or so Sean has been talking about Daniel quite a bit. He got really upset one night before bed just as I was brushing his teeth and said he really missed Daniel. I find it hard to believe that he is still so sad, but then again, we are so why wouldn't he be. I remember reading once that children may not have a specific date related to the loss they are grieving but they will still

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-71102622858827578172010-03-04T21:38:00.004-05:002010-03-19T23:06:06.154-04:00

Believe me when I tell you that I think of Daniel constantly - every single day of my life since we lost him. There is something about this time of year that just makes my heart sink.....the start of March means that April will soon be hear and some how my body instinctively knows that the anniversary of Daniel's silent birth is upon us once again. This time of the year is when I'm probably at my

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-1743323662737539492010-01-06T19:57:00.004-05:002010-01-06T20:27:48.846-05:00

I don't really have any particular feelings with regards to a new year and my little angel - it all sort of just melts together. Ups and downs, here and there with no particular pattern. I guess as time goes on I'm realizing that "yes I still hurt" and "no you can't change what has already happened". I still live with regrets and I have to admit, as much as I hate to, that when I hear about

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-5055889550502894232009-12-28T19:02:00.002-05:002009-12-28T19:08:57.538-05:00

I haven't been here for a while - my heart is always here, but it seems like life moves too quickly sometimes....it doesn't give me a chance to sit down and let my feelings out - not like it used to. I have this heavy weight on my chest and I'm not sure why - guess I just miss my little boy. Every day I think about him and although I know I am lucky, I am blessed, I am happy there is something so

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-87072164147312723842009-10-14T20:49:00.003-04:002009-10-14T21:28:09.247-04:00

In 1989, President Ronald Regan declared October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This has proven to be instrumental in bringing the needs of bereaved parents to the forefront. In addition, several years ago, October 15 was declared Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. On this day, parents, grandparents and friends around the country light candles at 7 PM in honor of babies who

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-70055643651407917512009-09-26T20:13:00.002-04:002009-09-26T20:20:49.814-04:00

I just love this.... Thank you Jenna's mommy (Abiding Hope Collage). I needed something else to finish the photo frame collage I am making for Daniel (its hard when you only have one picture). This is perfect.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-60896941626320072082009-09-23T21:06:00.004-04:002009-09-23T21:24:09.956-04:00

After I gave birth to Daniel my mind and my body were in desperate need of a baby. There were, of course, the phantom belly kicks - the ones that make you, for a moment, feel as if you still have your baby inside. For a while I would stop what I was doing to listen for what I thought was a crying baby. Also, each time I would hold Sean or do certain things with him I would have flashbacks to

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-72473926965606604812009-09-18T02:49:00.002-04:002009-09-18T03:00:43.526-04:00

Someone commented on my previous post and asked how I could question God's will. I wasn't questioning His will at all. In fact, I wasn't even thinking about God. When we first lost Daniel I found it hard to not blame God. I was very angry. I couldn't understand why he would allow yet another loss in my life - let alone the loss of my son. Over time I have learned - or at least have come to

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-19081057067302497222009-09-14T20:24:00.003-04:002009-09-16T05:20:53.552-04:00

Earlier on when we first lost Daniel I had posted something about pennies and dimes - they are signs from our loved ones up in heaven. The other day Sean and John were up in the baby room at daycare. They brought a plant to Mia's teacher for her birthday. As a part of the conversation Sean brought up Daniel. I don't have all the details but as they were leaving daycare they walked passed Daniel's

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-6177310554361824242009-09-14T20:22:00.003-04:002009-09-14T20:24:54.083-04:00

I tell myself that all the time. As much as I have accepted Daniel's loss and as much as I am so happy to have my daughter, there is this terrible guilt that consumes me. I should have known things weren't right - I wish I could go back and DEMAND that I be checked more thoroughly. I spoke but no loud enough and the ignorance of not knowing what could happen made my voice that much softer. I

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-40342116106941073742009-08-22T19:39:00.005-04:002009-09-14T20:38:16.198-04:00

I am constantly grappling with the following question: How many children do you have? I have heard this discussed by other mothers of angels and everyone has their own spin on it. I want so badly to say I have three children, but I always find myself stuttering and saying "I have a 4 year old and a 9 week old at home". It's the best I can do. I guess there is a time and a place for everything,

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-60688523541310892392009-08-22T19:27:00.003-04:002009-08-22T19:38:45.036-04:00

Life is zipping along and I must say that for the first time, in a long time even before we lost Daniel, I truly feel happy about life. Not that I didn't appreciate being blessed with my husband and son, but I spent the last 4 years dwelling on what I didn't have instead of focusing on all the great things I did have. This past weekend we had the honor of christening our daughter Mia - a blessing

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-92216524823400682142009-07-24T08:59:00.003-04:002009-07-24T09:08:25.930-04:00

I have been meaning to write - the lack of input here is certainly not related to lack of need or desire - I guess I've been so busy with life I just haven't been able to make it back here. I notice though, when I'm feeling really down, I have this need to revisit this place. I think about him all the time - I guess it never really goes away no matter what life gives you later on.I don't want to

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-89391569220765261792009-06-13T21:37:00.003-04:002009-06-13T21:43:42.245-04:00

In the last few years - more so this last year - I have become much more aware of what life is truly all about. I think at some point in time I believed that you could control your life's destiny, that everything can be perfect and as you want it to be if you just work towards that which you envision. I know now - with 32 years of wisdom under my belt - that sometimes life is what ever comes your

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-1622564856561678452009-05-17T06:18:00.005-04:002009-05-17T06:27:45.005-04:00

The excerpt below is from the blog of another mother who found it in another mother's post. I find myself at a loss for words sometimes and its not that I am not feeling anything right now, just that I am very confused about how I feel. I think the quote below sums it up pretty much."The Lord makes each of our children just as He sees fit. Some have red hair, some blond, some have blue eyes and

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-60271775501744424712009-04-22T17:54:00.003-04:002009-04-22T18:02:59.647-04:00

Our little boy Daniel should be celebrating his first birthday tomorrow. How we wish we could have seen him grow. Nothing can get back what we lost, but we will always continue to love him and be his parents until we meet up with him again one day. We love you Daniel!To light a candle for Daniel click here.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-61369535907458162512009-04-18T21:43:00.006-04:002009-04-22T19:52:05.181-04:00

April 24, 2008, the day I returned from the hospital after giving birth to Daniel, was a beautiful spring day, much like today, and although I still looked very much pregnant and I was feeling so very sad, I remember just wanting the sun to shine down on me. Our neighbors' good friend, Andy, had stopped by their house and both John and I were outside in our neighbors' yard at the time. Andy

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-59182716300444074952009-04-10T11:37:00.007-04:002009-04-16T21:59:32.178-04:00

John often visits Daniel at the cemetery, so the other day he stopped to get him some flowers. The woman at the register asked what they were for and he stated "a grave". She said she was sorry but proceeded to ask for who and he stated "my son". Again she apologized but continued to ask how old he was when he died and John told her that he was stillborn. Again she apologized but drummed up the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-39047491214564960632009-03-28T05:21:00.003-04:002009-03-28T05:37:11.585-04:00

I took Sean for his 4 year old check up this week and I am so glad I did. I had a really good time watching him interact with the nurses and the doctors and seeing how wonderful he is. Several times during the exam from different people Sean was asked if he had any brothers or sisters. Each time I interjected and stated no and each time Sean gave me this confused look. I couldn't help but feel

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-66823884934418978742009-03-14T21:52:00.007-04:002009-03-14T22:11:00.726-04:00

I'm posting responses to these questions for Under the TreeHow long have you been blogging for? Why did you start? What do you want from writing?I've been blogging for almost a year - a few weeks after losing my son Daniel. Frantically searching for answers as to why my son died I stumbled upon the blog of a woman who had lost her first child. It made me realize that you can never forget - you

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-85879092267826042182009-03-12T15:08:00.005-04:002009-03-12T15:47:12.940-04:00

A few weeks ago Sean made this picture at school. It is a picture of him protecting Daniel and I from flying boulders. I know Sean has the same thoughts and the same sadness as we do - he just can't articulate it as well, but it does come out at times and in his own way.Children are truly amazing - there is so much that goes through their minds. We may think that they are too young to understand

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-85203129553297814352009-02-14T21:57:00.005-05:002009-02-14T22:31:00.686-05:00

Some people may wonder how a person can grieve so deeply for someone who existed for only a short time. Its not about time spent - its about time anticipated. We love our children from the moment we become aware of their existance and it multiples each day. There was a very good article in Newsweek regarding stillbirth that I would encourage you to read - it may help you understand.The end of

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-71095947419379503382009-02-10T16:51:00.004-05:002009-02-10T17:02:55.871-05:00

I just wanted to post this picture and thank the people who barely know us yet took time out of their lives to write Daniel's name in the sand.Someone once told me "No one will ever understand what you have been through unless they themselves have lost a baby". I see that now. Only those who have had to endure such heartbreak can truly understand how heavy this weight is that I have to

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-86151793972720284162009-01-07T04:56:00.008-05:002009-01-12T18:53:02.500-05:00

The picture in my previous post was done by an artist Katie Berggren. I started to look through her other work and found a picture that I liked and wanted to include in this photo collage of Daniel that I am trying to do for my bedroom. I wanted to do something but not anything over the top - something with a mix of obvious (his footprints) and not so obvious (artwork) that will remind me of him.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-37206291263132721922009-01-01T05:08:00.008-05:002009-01-06T03:58:27.984-05:00

I happened to be home the other day and caught a segment of Oprah. Her show was about people who have displayed resilience during difficult times in their lives that allow them to continue to live each day. Here is the segment I caught. I believe that there is a very valuable lesson to be taken from it.This woman and her husband had taken years to conceive their son. On his 2nd birthday they

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-73771431339022224082008-12-28T18:34:00.001-05:002008-12-28T18:36:28.545-05:00

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-44246824903081157312008-12-19T15:50:00.004-05:002008-12-20T04:23:41.390-05:00

The other night while we were eating dinner Sean made a comment. Here is how the conversation went:Sean: You've got to believe.John: In what?Sean: You've got to believe in the things you want.Me: Who told you that? (Thinking this had something to do with Santa)Sean: DanielMe: How did he tell you that?Sean: In my dream. At first he was big but then he was small and I held him and rocked him and

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-76096597371367780362008-12-06T06:22:00.003-05:002008-12-06T06:37:13.734-05:00

I haven't posted in quite some time. Its not because I've decided to just move on with my life and live like things are wonderful. I truly believe I'm at the point where I can no longer describe or even comprehend what I'm feeling. I think acceptance has lifted a huge burden off my shoulders, but I am left with a lot of different emotions that I can't tie back to any particular one thing - other

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-15909078235150924882008-11-11T18:29:00.004-05:002008-11-11T18:50:48.761-05:00

Those we have held in our arms for a short time, will live forever in our hearts.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-85196703755112049122008-10-15T19:19:00.003-04:002008-10-15T19:53:01.494-04:00

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. I heard nothing on the television, the radio, no reminder e-mail from work - no one mentioned it. Do people forget, do they not care, or do they just want to avoid talking about it. What ever it may be - people should know that acknowledgment is so important to the mothers and fathers who have lost their babies.You need only light a

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-86134674661976970402008-10-05T06:03:00.004-04:002008-10-05T06:48:19.671-04:00

I never posted this initially because, for me, it is very personal. It is one moment in my life that I can't seem to dim the lights on. Just the thought of it brings me to tears and it is as vibrant in my mind today as it was that very moment. For any parent who knows the fear of not hearing your baby cry at birth - the worry and horror that crosses your mind; imagine giving birth and knowing

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-47591295609772333962008-09-27T16:11:00.002-04:002008-09-27T16:13:52.577-04:00

If you love deeply, you will grieve deeplyIf you deny your grief, you deny thereality of the love you felt.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-77285665472007053312008-09-12T19:37:00.003-04:002008-09-12T19:58:15.306-04:00

We just got back from Disney. We planned the trip as a way of having something to look forward to - something to help fill the disappointment of losing Daniel. We had a good time and I think both John and I really enjoyed watching Sean "believe" in everything magical that Disney has to offer. Deep down inside though, I couldn't help but miss my baby.Every where I turned there were either pregnant

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-78926989116758364702008-08-29T19:48:00.000-04:002008-08-29T19:50:11.846-04:00

I was in the children's section at the bookstore and came across a book that caught my eye "Someday" by Allison Mcghee. It is really a beautiful book, but for a parent who has lost their child it is just so very sad. Of course, I started to cry right away because it just reminded me of the fact that Daniel will never grow-up, he'll never be able to enjoy all the triumphs of life that make us who

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-90071669274266405742008-08-18T19:37:00.002-04:002008-08-18T19:44:21.379-04:00

Big step today. I opened the door to Daniel's room and opened the window to let some fresh air in. The door has been closed since April 22, 2008 - the day we found out Daniel died. We went into the unfinished room on several occasions for several different reasons but never have we been able to leave the door open. I just opened it today and I am okay with it being open - hopefully John is too.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-51191804593122687062008-08-18T15:33:00.005-04:002008-08-18T19:46:13.362-04:00

Unless you have been in my shoes you will never understand what its like to lose a child - to have a baby that you will never hear cry. Just because I can walk around with my head held high - smile, laugh, and joke around doesn't mean that I don't hurt or continue to hurt each day. It does get better - it really does, but it is ALWAYS there. My heart is broken and even if I went on to have 100

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-35681207589068144302008-08-08T20:26:00.003-04:002008-08-08T20:32:17.222-04:00

To love means to open ourselves to the negative as well as the positive-- to grief, sorrow, and disappointment as well as to joy, fulfillment, and thus an intensity of consciousness that before we did not know was possible.Rollo MayThe minute you find out you have a baby growing inside of you - love happens. The love a parent has for their child is unyielding and relentless. I have lost people in

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-64395307639107703802008-08-02T19:07:00.003-04:002008-08-08T20:16:01.834-04:00

Out of the blue this morning Sean popped up over the edge of the couch and said to me - "Is the baby going to come down now?" I asked him what he meant by that and he said "Is our baby going to come down from the sky?" I had to tell him no - that baby will never come back because once babies go to heaven they stay there forever. He was disappointed but in a way similar to how a child reacts when

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-46150292731522682242008-07-22T20:03:00.002-04:002008-07-22T20:05:46.112-04:00

This was out on BBC - it was found by another mother of an angel through another blog. I liked it and I am reposting it here so may be we can look at things from a different perspective.......Immediately after my son died I found myself thinking that I must have done something to deserve this. That I must have deserved punishment and I was being punished for something. I ran through all the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-24207735234641510932008-07-17T20:18:00.004-04:002008-08-08T20:18:21.981-04:00

1 How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?I would say that I was definitely less fearful or may be I should say more ignorant. I don't think people understand how often babies die, what a struggle it is for parents to try to overcome the pain and the heartbreak, or even fathom the tremendous amount of fear that comes along with a subsequent

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-70006634830317688942008-07-14T20:59:00.004-04:002008-07-14T21:33:27.175-04:00

I haven't written in quite some time. Believe me its not because I am feeling better. Ever since the 4th of July things have been very hard. I tried to go through some of Sean's old clothes and sort them out. They were all going to be for Daniel. No sense holding on to all that stuff when another little boy could use it. As the clothes got smaller it got harder and harder to give things up. This

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-8471483654263291042008-07-09T22:29:00.006-04:002008-07-14T21:34:33.754-04:00

~There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world~ I think this sums up the tremendous impact Daniel has had on our lives and the lives of those around us .

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-42663441567429444412008-06-28T21:33:00.004-04:002008-07-02T08:49:01.846-04:00

Children tend to ooze honesty. They say what is exactly on their mind and, although at times that can be frustrating or embarrassing for a parent, it is somewhat admirable. I took Sean on a field trip yesterday and early in the morning as we were waiting for the bus outside of his school there was a little girl who said to Sean - "Sean let's go see the stone for your dead baby". I wanted to cry

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-75941908434963786542008-06-25T22:25:00.003-04:002008-06-28T21:32:57.467-04:00

The road we are on now is less bumpy - far less ups and downs but there are still hills. Life is normal most times - we have things to look forward to but every now and then my heart aches with pain. This loss is so hard - its the loneliest, most empty feeling in the world. It is suffocating - at times the pain is so intense I struggle to breath. I am particularly sad this evening - not really

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-43265290312077771732008-06-14T17:16:00.003-04:002008-06-14T17:45:51.377-04:00

Tommorrow is Father's Day and I know that this will be hard for John. He is such a wonderful father to each of his children and for the brief time he spent with Daniel he was no less than perfect. If I could take all the pain away for him - I would. Although John carried the burden of this tremendous loss on his shoulders resiliently - he is hurting even more so than I. I at least had the chance

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-10449133198669008952008-06-14T16:14:00.004-04:002008-06-16T19:34:18.844-04:00

Today is the day Daniel should have been born. It has been such a hard week for both John and I. Just when you think you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, grief sucks you back into the darkness.We know now that Daniel was perfect. There was nothing wrong with him - as there was nothing wrong with me. There are three vessels in an umbilical cord and some time between the 2nd and 3rd

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-4132223133146682712008-06-07T22:28:00.000-04:002008-06-07T22:29:27.476-04:00

Perhaps, instead, our penalty for outliving our children is the task of seeking happiness in the midst of an imperfect world, reinventing ourselves in the midst of our child's ghost, rebirthing in the midst of suffering, or finding a way to love despite the pain. Love, Livingstone says, is the ultimate risk. When we cannot change the parts we wish were different, the unfairness and cruelty of

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-87925265568450121682008-06-07T21:56:00.002-04:002008-06-07T22:11:00.560-04:00

Before you even read any further - no there are no answers - or at least not yet. I went to the doctor on Thursday hoping to have the results back from the gazillion tests done to find out why Daniel died, but of course not everything was complete. My doctor did tell me that I am completely healthy - there is nothing wrong with me. Approximately 50% of the time parents will not find out the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-29693877877066054852008-06-04T23:18:00.005-04:002008-06-07T21:54:34.023-04:00

I write less but I also cry less. My heart still has that crushing feeling that makes it hard to breath at times - I suppose its a broken heart. I haven't visited Daniel in almost 2 weeks, but today I decided to drive by after I picked Sean up from school. I stopped going because I really couldn't stand visiting an empty patch of grass surrounded by the graves of other babies sent to heaven.

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-60334678874933175212008-05-27T05:59:00.005-04:002008-05-27T06:19:40.286-04:00

Throughout everything in life there are milestones - turning points, goals met, or obstacles overcome that make movement more obvious. Throughout grieving the loss of Daniel there have been many turning points - the ultrasound, the hospital, the funeral, etc. Each one has been difficult and there continue to be milestones, although decreasing in magnitude, that conjure up so many emotions and

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-29852901463773995792008-05-20T15:46:00.009-04:002008-06-07T22:16:28.209-04:00

It's amazing how something such as the loss of a child can open up your eyes to so much else in the world; make you so sensitive to other people's tragedies - vulnerable in everyday life. As time goes on, the feelings that both my husband and I are dealing with aren't so much about the loss - the disbelief, shock, sobbing, crying or denial; the feelings we have to deal with now center around us -

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-11167762166798305962008-05-16T15:29:00.002-04:002008-05-16T15:31:18.511-04:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-40856728242164716602008-05-16T08:58:00.005-04:002008-05-16T10:25:31.410-04:00

I've read a lot about the grieving process and one of the topics that is frequently discussed is guilt. Guilt is a common reaction but it is a heavy burden to carry around and even though I have no idea why Daniel died I have a 20 lb sack of guilt on my back. How do I let go of this guilt? Forgiveness of self is key I suppose, but I have always been hard on myself about everything - even the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-61315587999725831432008-05-10T14:02:00.005-04:002008-05-13T08:50:52.786-04:00

The day before Mother's Day was very hard for me. I cried most of the afternoon - everything seemed so hopelessly impossible. I felt like I was at my lowest - until I found my dime. Dimes are a paranormal phenomenon that are said to be a sign from a loved one up above. My aunt recently told me that she had also heard this from a co-worker and that last week she had found a dime when she was

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-17122172276779687132008-05-09T08:32:00.001-04:002008-05-09T22:22:50.556-04:00

I woke up at 4 AM that morning, as I often did with Daniel kicking in my stomach, and just laid in the bed. Even though they made sure to put me at the end of the hall I could still hear newborn babies crying. I wanted so badly to have them bring my baby in so that I could feed him or just hold him. I had to remind myself that this would not happen. I was in essentially the same room as that in

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-14532028467623235382008-05-08T08:36:00.001-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.407-04:00

I still haven’t been able to feel at ease or comfort. I hear that it will come and I suppose it will but I’m not sure when, or in what way. I’ve heard grief comes in waves – sort of like the ocean. One day it is calm and uneventful, the next it hits you like a tidal wave. The ocean never dries up and goes away – it slowly evolves and changes over time but it never disappears – sort of like the

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-64295234216310435672008-05-07T11:36:00.002-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.408-04:00

Disappointment - I think any parent would feel disappointment. We spent months talking about the baby, planning for the baby, and dreaming of what the baby would be like only to be left with nothing. My son Sean was disappointed too. I spent many nights talking with Sean about how I was going to need his help when the baby got here and what his job was going to be as a big brother. He was excited

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-46023098098768259122008-05-07T11:30:00.002-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.408-04:00

Our own grief can suffocate our senses, the very senses that would grant us deep compassion for others. Empathy requires us to stand outside our own grief and recognize pain in the lives of others. When we are able to truly do that - to reach beyond our own boundaries of loss, our hearts become bigger, and we are able to find healing in our connection to and concern for others.Dr. Joanne

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-56614012607305514452008-05-06T09:11:00.001-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.409-04:00

My baby was so active. I remember making a comment to my husband that he was going to be handful because he was always moving about in my belly. He would wake me up in the morning around 4:00 AM with his little butterfly kicks reminding me that I needed to eat. Just before lunch, again, he would move about in my belly with excitement that food was on its way. Throughout the remainder of the day I

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-87559299977314570812008-05-06T08:59:00.001-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.409-04:00

I have always had a funny relationship with God. Not that I don’t believe in him but I have not always gone to him when in need or thanked him when life went well. At the baby’s funeral I remember hearing the priest remind us how in times like this we need to turn to God, but I also remembering thinking that God was a part of all of this and I somehow felt angry. Going to church after we lost

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-88856004879828497382008-05-06T08:55:00.000-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.410-04:00

"Funny how ignorant we can be to other people's feelings and emotions when we don't fully understand or know what they have been through. Step outside of yourself for a minute and try to understand their pain - even if you have never had the chance to feel that type of pain before."Me

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-17963166414413592992008-05-05T08:24:00.000-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.410-04:00

Never have I loved him so much as the day I lost my child. When my first son was born I had a very difficult recovery and my husband was there for me the entire time. I was so appreciative of him, but at the same time I was grappling with being a new mother, physically recovering, and dealing with a wealth of other issues going on in my life that consumed me and my ability to truly appreciate all

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3115253539572432148.post-74106681843092723812008-05-05T08:16:00.000-04:002008-05-09T08:32:28.411-04:00

I thank God for Sean – my first born child and my first born son. Motherhood is such a hard thing – it consumes your life taking away so much from your self yet leaving you feeling so full. He is what helps with this all. I know that some mothers may not be so lucky to already have a child to help focus on, but having him made me realize how lucky I was and appreciative of the life God had

Marissahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10535064759135390374noreply@blogger.com0